Sunday, October 31, 2010

Preaching and Praying

Rise and cry.
Woke up freezing, and couldn't see the clock.
I lied there praying in my heart that the previous 24 hours were just a horrible nightmare.
My heart jumped when I arose from bed only to see myself in the mirror with a washed out face.
I closed my eyes, and clamped my fists.
Repeatedly I whispered:
"Oh no, please no. Not now."
I slowly opened my eyes and looked straight into the mirror.
Who am I?
Who am I to my family?
Who am I to my friends?
Who am I to my teachers?
Who am I to you?
Who am I to God?
I pulled my dead beat heavy hands up to my face,
Trying to look in the mirror as long as I could, hoping to bring myself together.
Not a moment later I burst into tears, "I don't understand, I just don't understand!" runs through my head. I knelt on the floor to cry into my hands.
What seemed like hours, but was truly only minutes, passed by.
I couldn't even begin to think what I would do with myself.
I've become so attached to the every day life I've lived in the past year.
Between every event I had a connection with him.
To speak, see, watch, hear, hug, laugh with him.
That's the life I know.
But in a twinkling of an eye, it's gone.
No warning, and no explanation.
I've fallen.
I reached for my brush, and then the door knob, pulling myself up to go take a shower.
I sat on the edge of the tub waiting for warm water just thinking what I would say to anyone today.
Tears described how I felt. The shaking of my arms showed the pain. I didn't need to say a word. People would see the state I'm in.
I walked into the chapel, saying "it's okay, I'm going to be okay."
But no, there you were, handsome as ever, right on the stand.
My face turned red, and tears boggled up.
"No" I thought "No, he doesn't want me, I can't do this to myself."
Tears were flowing, and flowing.
No way to hold back my true emotions.
Once I gathered myself up, I realized that was only the beginning.
Only more pain would be coming.
I had no warning.
There is never warning.
I just took it as it came, and cried as I walked down the street.
Is it really over?
For you, maybe.
For me, no.
You've pulled your heart out of my hands.
But you've kept my heart with you.
My feelings haven't changed.
There is no hate within my soul.
Only hope, hope that you will stay strong.
Hope that you will find true joy, and happiness ahead.
They've told you I'm no good.
I grew up learning forgiveness and kindness.
I can only show you my respect.
I've always had a special place for you within me.